Closeted Colours

2018-06-04_16.14.35

Posted by Srinitya
bisexual, cisgender female
she/her

Artwork by Neha Upadhyay

Red

I’m no fool to rush things and call it love,
Time slows down when you live in a closet
But I’m not the only one in there
I knock on her doors and she knocks on mine
A secret hidden in plain sight; we don’t dare take it any further
so we drill a hole into our shared wall
And interlock our pinkies
In the darkness of the closet’s insides, my cheeks blush red.

Orange

Nothing changes when I let them into my secret –
One tells me she loves me, and the other tells me she knew
But they are there,
Flickering and warm like the lull of orange flames,
Ready to catch me when homophobia knocks me off guard
The nights feel a little less colder with their arms around me.

Yellow

My first (and only) date with a girl, and they are bursting with happiness
all caps and happy emoticons splashing yellow across my screen,
sending good vibes my way.
the butterflies in my stomach flutter when our arms brush
and the warmth in my chest glows a soft yellow.
Green.
Something about my best friend freely going on dates with a boy sets free my little green monsters into a frenzy
My vision tilts a little, everything is tinted with jealousy
and I sit alone in my closet, the only source of light from the hole through which my pinky holds hers
It’s no one’s fault I’m in the closet
but there is a keen feeling of missing something
of watching an experience slink out through the doors
because you aren’t brave enough to pay full cost.

Blue

The word gay burns a hole through my mother’s tongue, the way she says it
over and over again every time she spits out sparks of derision
that set ablaze a nervous fire in the pit of my stomach
I shrink back into my room, throat tight and eyes burning
The sadness is strong today, the blue spreading through my throat and chest to the tips of my shaking fingers

The sadness of it all burns like hydrogen on fire.

 

Violet

The closet holds many secrets; it vibrates with a sense of mystery
they liken violet to royalty, to ambiguity
and I resonate with both –
see, I am a queen within my right
for a queen must protect the secrets of her kingdom
lest someone invade before I am ready
For once I burst through the closet
and dissolve it into splinters
I shall rise, quick and fiery,
phoenix-like in my rebirth from the ashes
But for now, I must bide time
I must hide away the crown where it does not glitter
I must carry the closet like a shell on my turtleback
refresh the webpage for news on lgbt movies and leave no trace
read up on section 377 and seek out my own tribe
For now, I must remain in the closet
but do not mistake my elusion
for shame
or a lack of
Pride.

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